And to all a good night.

You wouldn't think it would be that hard. But after spending no less than three hours on two different evenings I have given up on taking a picture that captures some bit of holiday spirit downtown. Maybe Olympia is just too small and doesn't have the money to decorate it's tree-lined streets with a bunch of lights. Or maybe they've just had their hands full with 'Occupy' and don't have the time (or gumption) to worry about it. Or maybe I'm just not creative enough.

Yes, the blue snowflakes on Capitol Way and 4th Ave are nice, they're festive. I just feel they fall a little short of what I'd expect from a Capitol city. Even the decorated tree in Sylvester park looks like it's missing something - like it's lacking some luster, like someone hastily wrapped clear lights around it and declared it Christmas.

Maybe that's all it takes these days, a few blinky lights here and there and a ho-ho-ho and it's suddenly Christmas. And here I am searching, peering into the darkness, looking for something, anything that says, "Hey, it's Christmas! And it only comes once a year! Rejoice and be happy!"

Maybe the city thought that would just be too hard.

Merry Christmas.

Puget Sound Wellness Association, making connections

Even near freezing temperatures and a thick blanket of fog couldn't stop our PSWA troopers from manning the booth at the Lacey 'Turn Back the Clock' run this Sunday. We made many connections and were so happy to be a part of such a lively event. Looking forward to next year!

In this photo (above) from left to right: Max and Debbie Barnes-Allan of Ayni Shaman Energy Medicine, Caroline Pettepiece (Anderson) LMP, PSWA President, Holly Glennon LMP, RN, Reflexology Practitioner, new member Sandra Hayner, LMP, KMI Practitioner and Joanna Power, PSWA Executive Director.

The circus director's letter of apology

I'm shifting gears. I've put Terminal away.

And as I wrote those words above I could hear Simone screaming at me. She's furious that I could have the gall to leave her alone in that little town in the San Juans with that best friend of hers that keeps going in-and-out of psychopathic episodes, disappearing for weeks at a time and killing people all while having no recollection of any of the events. Relax Simone, I'll be back, sit tight. Lock your door, quit answering your phone, you'll be okay. After all, you're just make-believe. It's just that right now it's hard for me to concentrate on fictitious characters and relationships when I've got so much going on in the non-fiction book that is my life. No, no one is trying to kill me. At least not literally.

I'm getting married. In just over five months my life will change dramatically and I'm working on coming to terms with that in the very little time I have left as a bachelor: 157 days, 7 hours, 5 minutes and 16 seconds. (Not that I'm counting.)

And yes, I am excited to be getting married. Mostly because my fiancee is the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to me and I know I'm the luckiest man on earth. But marriage is one of those higher institutions that I had no intention of ever applying to, no intention of even considering sending a transcript. I grew up in a household full of divorce and separation and spent much of my childhood deciding which parent to live with for that year.

I saw more of the dark-side of marriage. My observations of relationships were more 'Deathstar' than 'Endor'. I don't think it's a coincidence that dark-side, deathstar and divorce all begin with “D”. And while no one ever whispered to me, “Luke, I'm your father...” it was still interesting having people other than my parents around on both sides of my family.

So as the clock ticks on my single life I have some questions I need answered. The biggest one being: “Why?” Why do we do this? Why do choose to bind our relationships with a legal document that can cost an arm and a leg to dissolve and can trigger litigation that can last for years? Is “I love you” just not enough? Have we lost the value of a promise and have to make someone sign on the dotted line to prove it?

I intend to find out. Over the next five months I'll be interviewing people on-camera. From the recently engaged and the newlyweds to the 70th anniversaries' couples, the sworn singles and free-wheeling bachelors in an attempt to answer my question. Yes I'm using my last summer as a free man constructively and hopefully when I'm done I'll have something that resembles a film. So with nothing but a shoestring budget, mediocre equipment, a reluctant camera crew and a drive to find the truth I'm setting out to make a film.

And with any luck people will want to talk to me.

Except Simone.

The trapeze artists never looked so good.

It's fall again and with the inevitable shift in seasons comes that old familiar feeling. You know the one. It comes every year no matter how you try and prevent it. That one that makes us dread the cold and the rain that fall escorts in so proudly, like an usher leading your loud and obnoxious cousin who talks with a lisp to sit next to you at the wedding. It's the feeling you would get if you came home to find your home ransacked and everything important to you not only stolen but set ablaze in your backyard. That feeling that you get when you've made a mistake that you want to take back, wishing with every part of you that you could just turn back time a few minutes, or hours, or days and try again. Well you can't. And all your belongings that are incinerating in your backyard, it's too late for them. And your cousin? Hope you brought a handkerchief, because he's not going anywhere. That's right boys and girls, fall is here. And this year, as every year, he's brought a friend, Winter. And by the time he gets here you'll have wished for death so many times you may already be dead and not know it.

But it doesn't have to be that way. And I'm not saying everyone feels this way. Just those of you with brains. Summer is fun and if you don't feel that way why don't you just move to the north pole and leave the rest of us sane folk to talk amongst ourselves and go to the beach. If you don't like sun there's a probably a shuttle going to Pluto sometime next year. Please be on it. Let's face it, misery loves company and this year is no exception.

But like I said, it really doesn't have to be this way. And you don't have to abandon ship and move to Arizona or Florida with the rest of the aging octogenarians who have already decided it wasn't worth the trouble. You just have to take a deep breath and look up long enough for a drop of rain to go in your eye to realize that it's not acid, it's water. And you're not going to melt. And every giant maple leaf that flutters to the ground isn't a Chinese Throwing Star with your name on it. And every mud puddle that forms isn't a pit of quicksand waiting to swallow you up. In fact, I'll bet once you put on that favorite warm coat and hat of yours you're going to feel a whole lot better. That's right, zip it up and pull that warm hat down over your head. Feels good doesn't it? I know it does. Let's face it, it feels good to be wrapped up, cozy and comfortable. So twist that scarf around your neck and let that wind blow, not even Old Man Winter's ice-chisel can penetrate that armor. Now open that door, head out into the storm and smile as you turn your face into the wind. Because you know it, and so does everybody else, you look good.

The clowns will forever be camera shy.

Visiting my grandparent's house growing up I remember being fascinated by a picture hanging on the wall in the hallway. The camera was pointed skyward, towering evergreen trees crowded around the lens and reached up toward the sky. And, looking almost as if on purpose, the tree's needles and branches created an opening in the forest canopy in the perfect shape of a butterfly.

It was directly in the center of the picture, the color of the sky, looking almost as if it had been painted in blue pastels with wisps of white streaking through it from the clouds overhead and hanging as if suspended by the dark forest green of the trees. I remember walking past it many times before I finally asked someone about it.

Turns out it was a photograph taken by my father. I remember asking him about it, as I was fascinated by how the trees had created such a perfect outline and how he could have come across such a thing and actually noticed it. I was interested in photography myself, at least as a hobby. This was a long time ago and I only remember one thing he said. He said, “Someday, you'll find your butterfly.”

I listened to what he said, thinking about how rare it must be that tree branches form the shape of an animal, of anything. There was also the fact that he, being a professional photographer, had the knack for creating something out of nothing, as all artists do. But finding that out in the woods probably took a little imagination. Something that's easy to lose touch with in our adult lives - we're all busy being grown-ups.

As I grew older, myself growing into a grown-up, I spent a lot of time in the woods, camping, hiking etc. And still do, and almost all of the time carrying a camera. Though it's been at least twenty five years since I first saw that photograph, I've still yet to find my butterfly. But it's not for lack of looking up and it's not for lack of imagination. I gaze up at the forest canopy quite often, marveling in the majesty of the trees, admiring how the trees filter the light. But not once have I seen even the remotest resemblance of a shape, let alone a butterfly.

But I'll keep looking up, remembering to watch where I step; I wouldn't want to walk off a cliff as I search for beauty in the heavens. I'm sure I've walked under many a butterfly so far and I'm sure that one day, one will flutter it's wings hard enough to get my attention and I'll forever capture it's beauty in a photograph. That is, if I remember to bring both my camera and my imagination.

Tired of spinning his wheels, the circus driver moves on to greater things.

I'm not missing the seagulls as much as I thought I would. Those little bastards made a habit out of pooping on my car at least three times a week all summer and I grew to loath them. They have dead-on aim I tell you. But in the end, they're just doing their job and I'll admit, they grew on me. They're doing what they do, doing what makes them happy. It makes me think about what I'm doing, if I'm doing what makes me happy, as a writer, as a friend, and as a person.

I've finally moved off the sailboat that I've called home since July. The weather finally got to me. It wasn't that the space was so small. It wasn't that I couldn't get the temperature above 55 degrees most nights. It wasn't the above mentioned seagulls. It was the walk down the dock itself that did me in. The sideways rain and determined wind finally convinced me that I needed to seek other shelter and get off the water. I now find myself far from the bay under the cover of a roof and four walls with a heater that has no problem keeping my hands and feet as warm as I like them. And these days I'll admit, I like them pretty warm. So with winter shelter secured I now find myself focusing on my winter goals, to write, and to finally finish this book that I started almost a year ago to the day.

Starting to write again after a long hiatus is a somewhat daunting task. It's not easy to sit down and get the words flowing once again after basically taking the summer off from what I longingly like to call a burgeoning writing career. This seems to be the case for many things in our lives; there are things we always mean to accomplish but somehow put onto the back burner. Things like getting getting out into the woods to hike or starting that fall clean-up project in the garage or going back to work after a long time off. We all have tasks that we may have procrastinated against for some time, but we know that after that task is done we'll feel so much better about ourselves, experiencing a feeling of accomplishment and completion. These are important feelings that are easy to forget about sometimes, forgetting how good and on-track our lives will feel if we just get up and put ourselves in gear. But inevitably we instead sometimes choose the easier path of contentment and complacency. We're all only human.

There's no reason to get down on ourselves for not getting everything done all at once. There's no reason to hurry through life and we don't have to finish it in one day. We just need to keep in mind that there are things that aren't going to complete themselves, and in life we can only take ourselves as far we'll let ourselves go. We're all in the driver's seat racing down life's highway with our eyes open watching for what comes next. Some of us have our hands tight on the steering wheel with our foot on the gas, and some of us prefer to drive with our knees with our foot hovering over the brake pedal as we fumble with the radio. Either way, we're going to get where we're going no matter what speed we're traveling; we're all just moving ourselves down the road to our next task. Whether you're smiling as you drive past is what matters. In life there are no rules, save for the ones you place on yourself. If it makes you happy, do it. There's no better time than the present and no better reason to do anything than to feed your own happiness. It's not selfish, it's necessary. Happiness feeds the soul, warms the heart, brightens the day and just may be what really keeps the world turning.

The clown and the psychic say their goodbyes.

As fall sets in and smothers over what summer had left to linger, I feel a chill in the air, an early harbinger of what will surely become a long cold winter. The leaves are turning, losing their green summer luster, leaving behind striking colors that were mysteriously already there but hiding under lush chlorophyll as the wooden giant attempted to maximize it's solar exposure.

Sitting here on the water on a gorgeous October morning with the sun warming my cheek through my starboard window it's hard for me to remember that rain and snow, frost and all the accoutrements that accompany the approaching Winter will soon be upon us, bringing with them a darkening gloom that will make us all retreat for cover, to our warm houses and hearths – our hideout for the season. One can hardly blame us, it's warm inside and we all want to be comfortable.

Fall has officially been upon us for a month now and I'm still wearing my sandals. I don't want to admit that soon I'll be wearing socks everyday and wrapping a hat around my head. But as water seeps between my toes and rain soaks through my hair it begins to wash away the warm summer feeling that I had grown so used to, grown so fond of. I know that soon I'll have to follow suit, along with everyone else and get used to being inside more, wearing slippers instead of bare feet, eating soup instead of potato salad.

As the season changes I know there is no need for regret, there is only cause for celebration. Though we may miss the warmth of Summer, we need to realize there's no reason to dread Winter. Just because we miss something because it's no longer around doesn't mean we can't learn to enjoy what we do have and be happy in the moment. What once was will return, perhaps stronger than ever, we just have to be patient and trust in the future.

As we duck the rain with our big umbrellas, don our boots to trudge through the snow or stoke our fire to fend off the cold, we can enjoy the warmth that we create ourselves – the warmth that is generated by our heaters, by our stoves, by our cars, and by those around us, warming our hands and warming our hearts. Happiness truly does start from within, and home really is where the heart is.

Enjoy Fall with a smile on your face. It only comes but once a year.

An elephant never forgets, but can be easily pacified by a few peanuts and a warm shower.

I've been thinking a lot about goals lately. In my adult life I've realized their importance and have tried to understand their power to help me form the life that I want and achieve what I put my mind to. A close friend of mine recently achieved one of hers. And I'm very proud of her for it. It reminds me that I need to refocus on mine.

A quote by the writer J.A. Jance I read recently stirred something inside me. She said, “A writer is someone who has written today.” It's been a long time since I wrote. I keep telling myself that this winter is when I will continue on my book. Yeah, the one that I thought was finished. Turns out it needs a lot of work - at least if I'm to believe the “expert” book reviewers I sent it to.

It's been a busy summer for me and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having the time of my life. People keep telling me that I'm living their dream, spending the summer in a marina with no significant responsibilities, no real worries, save for getting to work on-time and paying the bills. It truly is a blessing to be living in such a city as beautiful as Olympia and to know the people I do. Yes, the life I'm living right now one might say was one of my goals.

But have I forgotten about my other goal? Yes I remember now, the one where a short eight months ago I set out to become a successful writer? Have I lost sight of that?

No, I haven't. I would however say that I've been happily sidetracked enjoying life. Turning good friends into great friends, learning the innocence of a child's laughter, realizing the stark beauty of a sunrise, feeling the warm sunshine and soft afternoon breeze on my face - yes, these are a few of my favorite things. These are things that make me smile and make me happy to be alive. These are things that warm my heart and create not just pleasure, but happiness.

Happiness is what I've always felt life was really about. We all find it in a different place and in different ways. If one can achieve happiness then he has truly achieved something great. Happiness has always been for me at least partly rooted in achieving my goals. Perhaps though instead of wondering if I've lost sight of some of mine I should focus on the ones that I have achieved and be happy in the moment that is now. After all, it's taken my whole life to get here and who am I to waste any second of it. Life is not a race, it's a journey. And the path we take to get there makes all the difference.

The Circus Director isn't allowed to get sick.

There are moments in your life that you know you will either look back on with a smile or a wince. I have recently had two such events in my life and have been lucky enough to know that I will definitely be smiling when I remember them both. The first was health related. After many weeks of playing a guessing game about whether or not I was sick, the results are in and I am most certainly not sick. I was finding it pretty hard to accept that with my diet and my attitude that it could happen to me. But I know that in the end, we are all only human.

The second event in my life was of a much more personal nature and while it won't be discussed in detail here, it will suffice to say that I have never been happier.

It's times like these that we realize our own mortality. Times like these can test the fabric with which we've woven our lives, making it feel like the world is closing in on us, like driving between two semis on the freeway at high speed. When your health is brought into question everything else can become a guessing game. That alone is enough to bring some people to their knees and hang a black cloud over their heads. After all, without our health what do we have?

As much as I'd like to believe that without our health we have nothing, I'm not sure I entirely accept that. While it's true that without a healthy body we will find it very difficult to live our life, it is also true that without those around us who care about us, one can find it hard to cope when something like ill health rears its ugly head. Getting through trying times alone, though not impossible, can be difficult and can make us question ourselves and our own direction in life.

Letting yourself trust someone else is difficult as well. Some of us, once we have lost trust in one person find it extremely hard to trust another. Some of us just have trouble trusting ourselves. We find it difficult to accept that our heart may actually know the right direction to go. Perhaps because it's led us astray in the past. Or perhaps it's because we just don't know how well we actually know ourselves deep down inside.

As strong as we may be inside, we are still only as strong as we let ourselves be. Having your health is a blessing. Having someone who cares about you is also a blessing, and one that many of us take for granted in our lives. Our hearts and our health are intertwined. Times when our health is brought into question remind us that we're mortal. Times when our heart is brought into question remind us that we're human. These times help us realize that our bodies are vessels which need to take us all the way through life and deserve to be taken care of. If only for the simple fact that they contain our hearts. And our hearts may be what makes life all worth living.

The Human Cannonball never had any regrets.

At a young age I decided to live life with no regrets. Before the age of ten I realized that I wouldn't be happy knowing there were things I had left uncompleted, undone, unlearned. I remember as a boy looking forward to the future and projecting myself back, often wondering what I would think of myself in ten years, in twenty years. Even now, at thirty-five, I find myself doing the same thing.

In case you're wondering how I've fared in the twenty-five years since then - yes I do have regrets. Are there things that I wished I would have done but for some reason decided not to when that given moment in my life arrived? Of course. Are they big regrets? No. But I think that's what makes us human and enables us to grow, our innate ability to learn from our mistakes and to accept the one thing that we will never be able to change in our lives: our past.

Today is my birthday and for some reason the annual anniversary of the day we were born often makes us reflective of our past and remembering of things we've done, or more importantly, of things we haven't done. Sadly this can easily preoccupy much of our time, easily consuming us and creating an air of doubt in our lives, almost prohibiting us from experiencing new challenges, new directions. Some people let their regret transform into self-doubt and let it cloud their vision of the future, figuring if they've missed that particular opportunity then they have surely already missed the boat and will forever be stuck on the shore, watching their dreams sail away without them. At that moment in our lives it's important we realize that there's no such thing as “missing the boat”. Grab your binoculars, you'll see lots of them out there. Your future is sailing along and your boat has your name on it. Can't see it? Maybe it's time you looked closer, or got some better binoculars.

On our birthday our age feels tangible, tactile. It's the one day we allow ourselves to think about the bigger picture, about our future and our ever-growing past, about any regrets we may have. It's the one day we feel our age for what it really is: a culmination of all our memories, strung out behind us like kite strings, all leading back to where we've been, all leading down to the clenched fist of a ten year old boy in the park, holding on tight, hoping the wind carries his kite higher, farther, faster and desperately hoping he has enough string when the wind picks up and carries it high up into the clouds and straight into the future, knowing full well he won't regret flying his kite in a windstorm.